I get it now. I get why I always run away from my calling.

I get why I can never seem to stay focused and disciplined for too long. I get why following different sources of light can be more exciting and appealing than paying attention to the light that is already right inside me.

This past weekend, I had to learn that it is not possible to fully serve the world if there’s a part of us that is hiding for whatever reason(s) (e.g., because we’re insecure, not ready, don’t like attention, feel uncomfortable w/ ‘self-promotion,’  etc.).

There’s real vulnerability involved in sharing an important part of us and going all in on something. When we have a project, an endeavor, a mission, a whatever that is so deeply integrated into who we are, it’s scary to put our stuff (aka ourselves) out there and not feel exposed.

I am 100% more comfortable talking about my thoughts and feelings than I am talking publicly about my passion project (Lessons for Life) sometimes, which has been really interesting for me to observe. Is it because I think my thoughts and feelings are just my thoughts and feelings (which are all temporary…) whereas Lessons for Life is a part of my Soul?

Over the weekend, I learned from Marianne Williamson that “We’re not the water, we’re the faucet.” I understand now that LFL is NOT me and that I am the faucet. The life lessons I’ve collected and will continue to collect make up the water and it’s up to me to let the water flow without interruption so that it can reach more people to help more people, if that makes any sense at all.

In the past, I ran away from my calling because I felt like I wasn’t ready, and I was right. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t mature enough and I didn’t have the perspective, depth, accumulated life experiences or space to understand life, really.

Now that I’m older and I find myself running (or flying) away from my calling, I know I’m making what are ultimately just excuses for myself. It would be so easy for me to say that what I’m afraid of is failure, because that’s what most people say when they’re afraid. However, I know myself well enough to know that I’m not afraid of failure. I LOVE taking risks. I LOVE embracing the unknown (usually). The thrill and wonder excites me, so long as I can keep other people at a distance and not really be deeply seen.

So now,  I understand that what I’m really afraid of is Myself. If I see and sit with myself on an even deeper level, I can’t ignore myself. If I don’t ignore myself, I can’t turn my attention away from the light that is buried within me. Rather than be attracted to this internal light, I have been dancing around it and flying away to distractions and external sources of light. It’s been somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy that I’ve been calling myself a “Peter Pan” (someone who flies from one thing to another and doesn’t want to commit) because of my E/INFP personality type.

In 2018 and beyond, it’s time for me to rise to the occasion and grow up. I’m lucky that I even know what my calling is.

My key takeaway: When we run away from our calling, we run away from ourselves.

Snow

 

PS. I finally understand this quote by Marianne Williamson. Thanks Marianne.

 

 

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